Take a Chance

September ended with a bang here in Ukiah. A storm of substantial proportions, both weather wise, and life wise.  Now that October is fully here, the more personal events of September beg for reflection. 

I'm a firm believer that the universe will provide what we need, if we can only be quiet enough to hear, and openminded enough to see and understand the design that emerges.  Sometimes I follow the lead well. Other times my ego gets in the way. I "think" I know what I'm supposed to do, and I put my energies behind that.  My original move up to Boise was an example of that approach, forcing things to happen even when it all feels wrong.  Moving the horses to the first place here in Ukiah is another example of ignoring what feels wrong. 

Other times, I open myself to the opportunities, and trust what unfolds. I throw out lots of threads, and the ones that get picked up, I follow.   I ask for what I want, and see what happens.  My move back to Trinidad from Boise (finding my place to live with the Mankas, and finding the horse pasture with the Homans), and my move to Lake County had large elements of trust and openness for me.   

My move to Ukiah had elements of trust (leaping without a job or home, believing that it was the right thing to do, and trusting in Jay and me).   However, mostly it's been an uphill struggle with my stubbornness, in all areas of  my life.   For many years, I have been on my own and relied on myself to take really good care of myself.  I am used to being very responsible and resourceful, and running my show.  With great patience, Jay waited for me to be ready to lean on him (that's where the title of this blog came from....he is my sturdy limb).  After my attempts at making the move on my own refused to work out, I finally let go and trusted Jay's lead. Absolutely one of the best decisions I've ever made, to make a home with him.
 

Then there's my horses.  With them, I had several false starts, and expended extensive energy making short-term situations work while combing the county for a long term solution. What was it the universe wanted?   I got the message and started networking, meeting many wonderful people. I began to feel like I belonged in Ukiah after putting out lots and lots of threads.  I emerged from the forest holding one good thread that led to a good home for Ber and Gio.  Over a month later, it is still a beautiful decision that has worked out well for all involved. Including  me, with my 13 mile round trip on the bike every day!

Professionally, I tried (again and again and again) to find a "real" job.  For five months I applied to everything I could find that I had the skills for.  Nothing to show for it but a pile of rejection letters, emails, and phone messages.  This has been the biggest hurdle for me. What did my heart want to do?   Promote the book and share the Culture of Hope with the world.  That's risky, and gutsy, and necessitates courage and tenacity.  I kept ignoring my heart, because I thought logically I needed to have a job and THEN I could promote the book.   How would I pay my bills, let alone the travel costs that are sure to mount up?

The last rejection email really stung because the job was a coach for the county, in school improvement and common core standards--exactly what I am extremely qualified to do. Not even an invitation to interview.  I was stumped.  Sitting on the couch, muttering to myself about blind alleys and dead ends and working myself up to a good G-rated curse at the universe, Jay cleared his throat and ventured, "Sweetheart, I think you have before you a wonderful opportunity.  Maybe you aren't getting a job because you aren't supposed to get a job.   Maybe you are supposed to get behind the book like you keep talking about.  Maybe everything that has happened is to this end.  Go for it. I got your back."     

Ah, the love and wisdom of a good man.  Yes, he was right.  Like the joke about the family on the roof in the flood, refusing every offer of help that came along, while they continued to pray for help   Eventually, their god asked what they were waiting for, after refusing the jeep, canoe, boat, raft, helicopter, and hang glider that had been sent in answer to their prayers.  In my quest for a job, I wasn't seeing the message embedded in the heap of rejection.   Thank you, Jay, for being the sturdy branch and helping me accept this opportunity.

So that is how I came to this place of dedicating the next year of my life to doing everything I can to support, promote, and launch the Culture of Hope.    It is my job.  I've spent this week building a web page (www.cultureofhope.com), blog (http://cultureofhope.blogspot.com/), and facebook page (https://www.facebook.com/cultureofhope).  They are still works in progress as I learn the ins and outs.  I am working on flyers and promotional materials and thinking about the types of talks I could do to introduce the book, like free sessions at the Library and local bookstores, and sessions for schools.   Bob (co-author) and I are talking about what we can do together, and we talk about this passing of the torch, from seasoned consultant to rookie.   I couldn't ask for a better mentor than Bob....   

It is all so exhilarating and extremely motivating. It is also VERY scary.  I wonder where this bravery and commitment come from... 

Oh yeah, I have a sturdy branch that will catch me if I fall. I have a love that makes me stronger than I ever thought possible, and encourages me to dream large.  I am a very, very lucky lady.